i was actually up before noon today... that may just be a sign of the apocalypse. 8:45, it was. :^o had a shower and everything. we went to interview a doula over breakfast at main squeeze, and it was really quite nice being awake and doing stuff at ten am. i felt very alert or something. the doula's name is deedee, and we looooove her. we want to keep her for our very own. she's much younger than we thought, like around 28 or so, has two kids, is certified, offers tons of services, and best of all totally hit it off with us. she's very groovy and open-minded and laid-back while at the same time organized and responsible feeling. woo! we signed a contract with her then and there, and made arrangements to pay her. fee is $350, which includes two prenatals in our home, a visit to our doctor with us, 24hr on-call from two weeks before to two weeks after my due date, showing up anything i think i need her once i'm in labour, photography and videography of the birth if we want, followup care, breastfeeding help... i'm not even sure if that's it. i'd like to take her childbirth and bellydancing classes but alas cannot afford it. i'm in love with this woman. she's spectacular.

we went around to rummages today but did not find any bookcases or chairs. we did find a really nice frame for our anne geddes puzzle that we did for gwen's room, paid $4 for something that would have been over $30 if we'd had it custom-made. aw yeah, i am the bargain queen. i then had a nap, and afterwards we put together the wal-mart bookcase we'd bought a week ago. we were trying to decide if we wanted to keep it or not, *laugh* all three of our bookcases are lined up next to each other on one wall in the living room now, and they look really rather not-cheap like that. the middle one has all my barbie dolls in it, which i am so happy about. i've never had one special place for all my dolls, they've always been scattered around or on top of other stuff. *beam* i had great fun rearranging all our many many many books.

then cag went to the theatre and i watched "return to me"... awesome movie. very romantic and sweet and cosmic without being overdone or sappy. very quirky. i cried a lot. cag came home and then went out to a cast thingie at old chicago... i was feeling too tired and fuzzy-headed to go. i do admit i feel kinda left out wrt all this theatre stuff, but i think it's just turnaround. for the past year i've been really socially active and out with everyone all the time. now it's cag's turn. so i'm not resentful, just lonely sometimes. i have gone to a couple rehearsals and everyone's really nice. *sigh* but for all of october we don't have anything big going on and can just be together and wait for gwen. oh, and see tori. i'm very psyched about that.

we're having a cool front finally! it was below eighty for most of the day and has been raining most of the night. i love it. i was actually chilly this morning, couldn't believe it. autumn is actually creeping in, bit by bit. it's supposed to be only seventy tommorrow. i feel so much more myself when it's cool out.

i was looking at the correspondences for october in my moon magick book, to see what's going on the month gwen's to be born... and there's a big festival to demeter and kore in the middle of the month. i was like "how appropriate". then i saw that it's also the month of karma and reincarnation. hairs on the back of my neck stand up. okay, gwen definitely picked the time to come to us. i feel so honoured. my daughter is almost ready to be in the outside world with us. cag put his hands on my belly and told her how much he is looking forward to meeting her and holding her and everything last night. i love him so much. he's so good.

wow, opening night of cag's show was something to behold. let's see. right before curtain, the lighting system blew. which delayed curtain about an hour. this also caused the air conditioning to go out, so the temp slowly climbed to about eighty-four degrees in the theatre. a large, crazed locust dive-bombed the audience with great enthusiasm and hummed disharmoniously along with the songs for the entire second act. *laughing* that's live theatre for you. it was great. the cast kicked complete ass. very high energy, no flubs, everyone on cue. beautiful singing and choreography. cag was *great*. i was so proud of him! he just shone. he wore a very formal tux complete with tails for his role as drake, and it was so appropriate. i got all teary-eyed at several points and giggled a lot. it was very exciting to have seen the progress this production made from auditions to finished performance, and to have my lovely and talented husband in it too! yay! i'm going to see it twice more, with cag's 'rents and a couple rmta-ers.

no remote control yet. i'm hoping it'll show up saturday. i'm not as stressed out about it as i was at the beginning of the week. it's kind of cool not having the tv. when i'm not freaking out about missing my shows, that is. ;) i've gotten a lot done this week around the house, and started a new book, _the poisonwood bible_ by barbara kingfisher. I'm quite engrossed in it. I prolly wouldn't have started it if the tv hadn't been fucked up. i might rent a movie tonight while cag's at the theatre. i think hannibal is out... tho cag would be very disappointed if i watched it without him.

we meet with a prospective doula tommorrow morning. i really liked her on the phone, so hopefully this'll work out. it's getting down to the line now for doula-selection!
there's also a big huge yard sale run by a bunch of wacky pagans tommorrow morning, so we'll be getting up early and seeing if we can score a bookshelf and some chairs for our dining table. *hoping* i love yard sales. they're so much fun.

damnit. damnit, damnit, damnit.
*stomping feet*
*pouting viciously*

we unplugged our tv yesterday. when we do that, the tv has to be reprogrammed once it's turned on again. one has to set all the channels and switch it from antenna to cable. one can only do this with the remote control. we replaced our really worn-out remote control with a new universal remote last month. i threw away the old one, thinking "what the hell are we ever going to need with this piece of junk again?". ha. so now we have a perfectly functioning tv, and a cable subscription, and no way to unite the two. i had to call the dealer and order a new original remote, for the lowlow price of $34.40, and it won't be here until saturday at the earliest. $34.40. for a remote control that we need in order to program the fucking tv. okay, i know this should not be that big a deal. annoying, yes, but this annoying, no. it is, though! home matters and the christopher lowell show, the two shows i really get into and watch during the day, premier today. argargagargarg. this means i miss nearly a whole week of new shows. and all b/c i was stupid enough to throw away the old remote. and to unplug the tv thinking we could use the new one to program the tv. suck. suckity suck suck suck.

good weekend, though. we went clothes shopping for me... got some black maternity pants, a lavender maternity sweater, these awesome black ankle boots with huge chunky heels, and a skirt i'm taking back b/c it looks like a tent on me. i bought paint for our living room on friday and we spent saturday night and most of monday painting. it's incredible. the room looks so much more sophisticated and harmonious than when it was white. we got a deep violet-red wine colour, and a deep plummy purple. it really is gorgeous. and cag didn't complain the whole time, like he usually does when we paint! he kinda seemed to like it. and he does adore the finished result. we went to a munch for CEPE. we went to cag's coworker's "wedding barbeque". we also went out to eat for a friend's birthday at a pub we didn't even know existed, and that had excellent food. we're thinking we might take cag's parents there when they come to visit on the fifteenth, for his show.

of course now we're broke after going batty with the cash over three days. we were pretty upset about it last night. but the way i look at it today, we had a lot of fun, and whether we spread it out over a couple weeks or crammed it all into one weekend, the money would have gotten spent. i mean, i needed clothes. and we needed the paint. and we needed to go out, which we do so rarely these days. we've still got some $$ to last us the month. it's just disheartening to see it go so quickly, when cag works so hard all month. we did get all our bills paid, even some medical ones we weren't sure when we were going to pay. so that's a positive.

tonight's the first session of our childbirth classes! we have less than eight weeks before gwendolyn is due, so this is just in time. my friend tina is going to be my support person tonight since cag has rehearsal. she's very brave to do this! a roomful of pregnant couples doing breathing exercises and goddess knows what else. but she's game, and for that i will always respect her. *grin* we are also meeting a prospective doula this coming weekend, and hopefully she'll work out, b/c we're running out of time. i instantly liked her on the phone, so we'll see. i'm getting nervous about the impending due date and having everything ready. we're going to see tori amos in saint louis the day before gwen's supposed to show up! if that doesn't get her going, nothing will. i do hope she arrives sometime close to her due date, though i know most babies don't. i just don't think i'd be able to hold onto my sanity if she were two weeks late. but she'll come when she's ready to be here.

cag's show opens thursday night. he had his first dress rehearsal last night. he's so worn out! but i think he's doing really well, and that the show is going to be wonderful. i'm going with some friends of ours thursday night and definitely when his parents come, and again when the rmta'ers who are coming to see him are here. i'm so proud of him. he has worked his ass off on this. and he's really very good. *beam*

"you were always half crazy now look at you baby you make about as much sense as a nursery rhyme" --ani difranco

just listened to little plastic castle for the first time in ages, yay! i love rediscovering music. i definitely need more ani in my diet.

christopher and i went and helped out with set construction for the musical he's in today. we painted. it was really fun. i was all apprehensive about going b/c i didn't know anyone and have been very self-conscious lately, but i'm really glad i went. i felt very capable and like *me* instead of just a baby-oven. *laugh* i've been in something of a funk the past week or so and being at the theatre today seems to have helped a lot. christopher was right, there are a lot of normals in the company! everyone was really nice, though. i felt so deliciously exotic with my piercings and tattoos and not-found-in-nature hair. hee.

yesterday we went out to dinner, and when we got back, our across-the-hall neighbor was getting in his car. he kinda gawked at me, then started making beavis-like laughing sounds, and remarked "you're getting pretty pregnant, aren't you". blech. i wanted to kick him in the teeth. i just said "yeah, i am" and started beavis-ing too, imitating him. i don't know if he got it or not, but i didn't really want to take him to task about how rude he was right then and there. christopher told me not to let it bother me and said he thinks i look beautiful, and yes, very pregnant, but that it's not a bad thing. i know all that. but still.

this is the neighbor who we think is a drug runner, btw. he's in and out of his apartment pretty much all day and night for ten or fifteen minute stints, getting in his car, driving away, coming back. he looks vaguely drunk all the time. he peers out of his blinds whenever we come home and walk across the lawn. he's had ppl up in his apartment that wouldn't come down into the foyer we share when i was in it. and he has taken to parking his fucking car on the *lawn* when he's running inside during one of his little jaunts. isn't that classy. i mean, the fucking driveway is right next to the house. there is copious street parking. but no, he must use the lawn.

add this to the fact that he has tried to sell christopher his cds twice, asked christopher to loan him ten bucks once, and offered to sell him his "platinum" watch last week, and we are very uncomfortable. i mean, ick. we don't even know him. he actually came into our kitchen the night he asked cag for money. we had the front door open b/c we were trying to catch a cross-breeze and cool off the house, and he just came right in. ick ick ick. he told cag "not to be scared of him" when cag declined buying the watch. cag was like "i'm not afraid of you, i just don't want to buy anything from you. so stop trying." cag finally called our rental agency about him but they really can't do anything except tell him not to park on the lawn. but they did say to keep them posted, especially if we have more complaints. i think he is a big luser.

talked to my grandmother and my mom on the phone tonight. both conversations were really good, made me feel connected to them and loved. i need to remember to call them both more often. i'm getting better about my mom... sometimes i'd go a month, but now it's more like a couple weeks at maximum. and she can't call me b/c she doesn't have long distance right now. it helps that we're on good terms right now. i have much less motivation to call her when she's being an irrational bitch. she told me she got a bunch of clothes for gwendolyn, she's mailing them this week. i can't wait to see, and i was really touched.

our friend deanna had a slumber party for her birthday last night. whee! we watched evil dead II and ate junk food and polished our toenails and tried on sexy lingerie and shoes that another friend brought, donated from cross-dressing clients. she gave us this really slutty satiny black minidress that laces up the front and back, which we are going to send to kelly. it's obscene, *giggle*. there was also a pair of white spike heels with attached laces that criss-cross up the calves, like my best friend had in junior high. i got them on but couldn't stand up very well. this same friend works for a sissymaid pay website that personally answers emails, and they need another email-answerer, so i let her know i was interested. she makes about $1000 a month tax-free on it, which i prolly wouldn't make, but hey. extra income. and it's easy stuff like fashion and etiquette advice. i think it would be fun, and i could do it right here at home. nifty!

i'm thirty-one weeks pregnant now. nine more to go! i have gained a total of thirty-six pounds, give or take scale accuracy. this is starting to bother me, but my doctor said today that it seems to be healthy weight and i should just watch it but not do anything stupid like diet. i mean, i do look fatter, not just in the belly, but i look good. it's just alarming to be a good twenty-two pounds heavier than i have ever been in my entire life.

gwendolyn is doing fine. she apparently was sleeping while i had my exam today... her heartrate was a low 120. we talked about our birth plan and my doctor was cool with pretty much everything we had written down. my uterus is way up into my ribcage! i find that to be simply amazing... this little organ that once curled quietly over my bladder is now taking up most of the room in my torso. dude. i have a person inside me.

i'm getting more and more uncomfortable as my pregnancy progresses. i can't find a good sleeping position, i can't take a full, deep breath, my skin continues to freak out occasionally (including a really flaky nose and little red marks on my face!), i'm dizzy, i'm tired. boo. i know it's totally worth it, but still. i do want this to be done with so i can have my body to myself again and meet my beautiful daughter.

we went to milwaukee a couple weeks ago! had a really good time going to our favourite restaurants and seeing family and friends. my mom, stepmom and dad hosted a shower for us and i got to see pretty much all the relatives i actually like, *grin*. and we got really nice gifts, including a breastfeeding kit, a baby tub, lots of clothes, a diaper bag, toys, etc. we stayed with my friend ann, who we had not seen in two years and was a marvelous hostess. we had lunch with our beloved paul right before he moved to texas to be with his new man. paul got the first feel of gwendolyn kicking!

we got our tax rebate. we bought a carseat with it, along with some piercing jewelry for cag and some more maternity clothes for me, and went out to eat. i think all we really need for gwendolyn's arrival now is a sling, some more clothes, a diaper service and her bed (which cag's parents are sending us a gift certificate for).

we signed up for childbirth classes. they start september fourth.

cag is in a musical! he auditioned for the community theatre production of "annie" and got cast as drake the butler. *happydance* he has speaking and singing parts. i'm so proud of him. he's at rehearsal pretty much every night and is very tired and busy, but he's really happy. his parents are coming to see a performance! he's been singing songs from the musical for weeks now.

our friends lara and kevin came to see us last weekend. they live in arkansas and we hadn't seen them for about five months. they were vastly amused by my belly. we took them to a birthday party for a friend of ours that ended up being taken over by an alarming number of coeds that no one, including the birthday girl, knew, so we evacuated. we had our other friends deanna and nate over and spent quite some time just hanging out and talking, which was a lot more fun than navigating a very crowded apartment full of strangers. we also took lara and kevin to target and turned them loose, as they don't have one where they live and it's their favorite store. and had really good mexican food. and got trapped in the super wal-mart for half an hour when we tried to pick up booze for the party and some roses for the birthday girl. express lane, my ass! damn frat boys needing price checks on every single case of beer they bought. *laugh* i also got to have some awesome girltalk with lara after kevin had gone to bed and cag was playing diablo II. we laid in bed and just free-associated.

i'm feeling kind of conflicted about my friendship with lara and kevin as a unit. i absolutely love and adore lara. always have. and i do love kevin. but i know that we would probably not be friends if it weren't for his involvement with lara. i mean this on both sides. i am far too sex-positive, feminist, kinky, and pagan/vegetarian for his tastes and he is far too repressed, conservative and sedentary for me. i guess it says a lot that we are able to overlook all that and be close, really. but when he was here i was really bothered by some of his behaviour. he went on the prowl for glimpses of girls' (and i say girls', not womens', b/c that's what he was looking for) underwear as seen over the waistband of their pants/jeans. he counted each sighting. he ogled. he pointed. he all but drooled. this and so little attention to lara that i do not recall seeing him show any sign of affection or attraction to her all weekend. this made me sad and kind of offended. i mean, i'm all for voyeurism. i'm all for checking ppl out. but this brand of it seems kind of slimy and non-consensual. and obsessed. i don't think he'd even be interested if he saw a glimpse of lara's hot undies over her waistband. :( the other thing that bothered me was when we were discussing rape. he said that his definition of it is when the girl says no, begins to struggle, and the guy continues anyway. i was like "what if she doesn't struggle?" and "what do you mean by struggling? does she have to knee him in the groin? bite him? what?". i asked him about it and he said that if a girl said no to him he'd personally be a gentleman and stop, but the real point of rape is when she struggles. um, okay.

i don't think there is anything i can or should do about this. it's just personal differences. cag told me he kind of gently poked kevin about the whole underwear thing while he was here... he got in the way of kevin's view and remarked that he was "predictable". this is made more complicated by the fact that lara has expressed interest in being with me (and cag, i think) sexually again (we used to have experiences together when we lived in milwaukee), but i do not feel comfortable involving kevin. *sigh* not much to do except let it be, and express problems i have with kevin when they arise. i mean, he's a very good guy. and i can tell he's made progress.

hand cramping up! too much time online! must take break!

bloggity blog blog blog...

i am entirely amused by the way my body is changing and growing to accomodate gwendolyn. i put my purple patchwork cotton skirt on today and looked at myself sideways in the mirror and actually thought "now that is a sexy mama". woo! i have this nice rounded tummy that's rising higher and higher towards my breasts. i feel very fertile. and my skin is sooooo much better now that i've been using my new prescription eczema stuff. i'm all silky soft. aw yeah.

having kelly here was wonderful. we mostly hung out around the house since it was ninety-five degrees in the shade outside, and it had been ages since we spent any time with her alone. we talked and talked and had amazing sex (hurrah for pregnant body worship!) and ate good food. she made waffles for us and we made dinner and had our friends deanna and nate over. we did make it downtown for a little while to look for sandals for kelly, but found none that were suitable to her specifications. we had such a good time we're driving to iowa city to see her again this weekend. yay!

i just subscribed to misc.kids.pregnancy, read about a zillion posts today and really like the atmosphere. it's friendly and accessible. i like the community aspect of it, and that it's not full of flamewars. i think i might post tommorrow.

well how do you like that. icq appears to have simply frozen up on me. *boggle* it's never done that before. and right in the middle of talking to karen. what a bunch of crap. i don't have her regular email addy either.

i talked to my mom last sunday night, and she informed me that her marriage to her third husband, which has been very difficult for the past year, is officially over. i feel so bad for her. she doesn't need to be dealing with this at such a point in her life. i mean, she's almost fifty, she should have a stable and caring relationship if she wants to have one at all. :( i really didn't know what to say to her except i love her and i empathize. she vented a little and i promised to send her a copy of ani difranco's dilate album. i think she's planning some kind of surprise for when we are there in a week... she told me it was none of my business when i asked about the shower plans. she's really excited about having a granddaughter, and i am glad that i can give her that happiness. she deserves so much more.

kelly kelly kelly is coming this friday.

*dancing madly about the room*

t'will be entirely too grand to see kelly. i love her. she makes me happy. :^D we were planning on taking her to ozark avalon to go swimming and picnicing, but it's supposed to be just disgustingly hot (over 90 degrees), so we're trying to figure out what to do instead. not a whole lot going on in columbia in the dead of summer. pfeh. we'll figure something out. i know we're making dinner for her and going out dancing afterwards.

found a bunch of the rmta crowd on icq and have been chatting away with them. much fun to be had.

i went to my prenatal water aerobics class today and had a great time doing snapkicks and jumping jacks in the pool. *grin* there's another prenatal fitness class that my doc told me about at another center which i am interested in going to. it includes stretching and relaxation and breathing techniques for labour. so i might supplement the water stuff with some land stuff.

we got a notice in the mail from the irs saying that we were going to get $600 as a tax break due to the Bush administration something or other today! we were all excited until christopher went back to work and found out that roughly half a million ppl mistakenly got the notices. so now we don't know if we are getting a cheque or not, or if it'll be for $600 or not. what a bunch of crap. i mean, "oops, we didn't mean to do that" is fine, just not with half a million ppl and that much money. pfeh. but i guess we'll see if we get anything. it would certainly be nice. stupid government. stupid irs. *grumble*

the new skin stuff seems to be working. i am very glad of this. *crossing fingers*

off to watch designing women. woohoo!