the musings of faeriecat

2001-09-08T22:55:00.000-07:00

i was actually up before noon today... that may just be a sign of the apocalypse. 8:45, it was. :^o had a shower and everything. we went to interview a doula over breakfast at main squeeze, and it was really quite nice being awake and doing stuff at ten am. i felt very alert or something. the doula's name is deedee, and we looooove her. we want to keep her for our very own. she's much younger than we thought, like around 28 or so, has two kids, is certified, offers tons of services, and best of all totally hit it off with us. she's very groovy and open-minded and laid-back while at the same time organized and responsible feeling. woo! we signed a contract with her then and there, and made arrangements to pay her. fee is $350, which includes two prenatals in our home, a visit to our doctor with us, 24hr on-call from two weeks before to two weeks after my due date, showing up anything i think i need her once i'm in labour, photography and videography of the birth if we want, followup care, breastfeeding help... i'm not even sure if that's it. i'd like to take her childbirth and bellydancing classes but alas cannot afford it. i'm in love with this woman. she's spectacular.

we went around to rummages today but did not find any bookcases or chairs. we did find a really nice frame for our anne geddes puzzle that we did for gwen's room, paid $4 for something that would have been over $30 if we'd had it custom-made. aw yeah, i am the bargain queen. i then had a nap, and afterwards we put together the wal-mart bookcase we'd bought a week ago. we were trying to decide if we wanted to keep it or not, *laugh* all three of our bookcases are lined up next to each other on one wall in the living room now, and they look really rather not-cheap like that. the middle one has all my barbie dolls in it, which i am so happy about. i've never had one special place for all my dolls, they've always been scattered around or on top of other stuff. *beam* i had great fun rearranging all our many many many books.

then cag went to the theatre and i watched "return to me"... awesome movie. very romantic and sweet and cosmic without being overdone or sappy. very quirky. i cried a lot. cag came home and then went out to a cast thingie at old chicago... i was feeling too tired and fuzzy-headed to go. i do admit i feel kinda left out wrt all this theatre stuff, but i think it's just turnaround. for the past year i've been really socially active and out with everyone all the time. now it's cag's turn. so i'm not resentful, just lonely sometimes. i have gone to a couple rehearsals and everyone's really nice. *sigh* but for all of october we don't have anything big going on and can just be together and wait for gwen. oh, and see tori. i'm very psyched about that.

we're having a cool front finally! it was below eighty for most of the day and has been raining most of the night. i love it. i was actually chilly this morning, couldn't believe it. autumn is actually creeping in, bit by bit. it's supposed to be only seventy tommorrow. i feel so much more myself when it's cool out.

i was looking at the correspondences for october in my moon magick book, to see what's going on the month gwen's to be born... and there's a big festival to demeter and kore in the middle of the month. i was like "how appropriate". then i saw that it's also the month of karma and reincarnation. hairs on the back of my neck stand up. okay, gwen definitely picked the time to come to us. i feel so honoured. my daughter is almost ready to be in the outside world with us. cag put his hands on my belly and told her how much he is looking forward to meeting her and holding her and everything last night. i love him so much. he's so good.

2001-09-07T14:52:00.000-07:00

wow, opening night of cag's show was something to behold. let's see. right before curtain, the lighting system blew. which delayed curtain about an hour. this also caused the air conditioning to go out, so the temp slowly climbed to about eighty-four degrees in the theatre. a large, crazed locust dive-bombed the audience with great enthusiasm and hummed disharmoniously along with the songs for the entire second act. *laughing* that's live theatre for you. it was great. the cast kicked complete ass. very high energy, no flubs, everyone on cue. beautiful singing and choreography. cag was *great*. i was so proud of him! he just shone. he wore a very formal tux complete with tails for his role as drake, and it was so appropriate. i got all teary-eyed at several points and giggled a lot. it was very exciting to have seen the progress this production made from auditions to finished performance, and to have my lovely and talented husband in it too! yay! i'm going to see it twice more, with cag's 'rents and a couple rmta-ers.

no remote control yet. i'm hoping it'll show up saturday. i'm not as stressed out about it as i was at the beginning of the week. it's kind of cool not having the tv. when i'm not freaking out about missing my shows, that is. ;) i've gotten a lot done this week around the house, and started a new book, _the poisonwood bible_ by barbara kingfisher. I'm quite engrossed in it. I prolly wouldn't have started it if the tv hadn't been fucked up. i might rent a movie tonight while cag's at the theatre. i think hannibal is out... tho cag would be very disappointed if i watched it without him.

we meet with a prospective doula tommorrow morning. i really liked her on the phone, so hopefully this'll work out. it's getting down to the line now for doula-selection!
there's also a big huge yard sale run by a bunch of wacky pagans tommorrow morning, so we'll be getting up early and seeing if we can score a bookshelf and some chairs for our dining table. *hoping* i love yard sales. they're so much fun.

2001-09-04T10:33:00.000-07:00

damnit. damnit, damnit, damnit.
*stomping feet*
*pouting viciously*

we unplugged our tv yesterday. when we do that, the tv has to be reprogrammed once it's turned on again. one has to set all the channels and switch it from antenna to cable. one can only do this with the remote control. we replaced our really worn-out remote control with a new universal remote last month. i threw away the old one, thinking "what the hell are we ever going to need with this piece of junk again?". ha. so now we have a perfectly functioning tv, and a cable subscription, and no way to unite the two. i had to call the dealer and order a new original remote, for the lowlow price of $34.40, and it won't be here until saturday at the earliest. $34.40. for a remote control that we need in order to program the fucking tv. okay, i know this should not be that big a deal. annoying, yes, but this annoying, no. it is, though! home matters and the christopher lowell show, the two shows i really get into and watch during the day, premier today. argargagargarg. this means i miss nearly a whole week of new shows. and all b/c i was stupid enough to throw away the old remote. and to unplug the tv thinking we could use the new one to program the tv. suck. suckity suck suck suck.

good weekend, though. we went clothes shopping for me... got some black maternity pants, a lavender maternity sweater, these awesome black ankle boots with huge chunky heels, and a skirt i'm taking back b/c it looks like a tent on me. i bought paint for our living room on friday and we spent saturday night and most of monday painting. it's incredible. the room looks so much more sophisticated and harmonious than when it was white. we got a deep violet-red wine colour, and a deep plummy purple. it really is gorgeous. and cag didn't complain the whole time, like he usually does when we paint! he kinda seemed to like it. and he does adore the finished result. we went to a munch for CEPE. we went to cag's coworker's "wedding barbeque". we also went out to eat for a friend's birthday at a pub we didn't even know existed, and that had excellent food. we're thinking we might take cag's parents there when they come to visit on the fifteenth, for his show.

of course now we're broke after going batty with the cash over three days. we were pretty upset about it last night. but the way i look at it today, we had a lot of fun, and whether we spread it out over a couple weeks or crammed it all into one weekend, the money would have gotten spent. i mean, i needed clothes. and we needed the paint. and we needed to go out, which we do so rarely these days. we've still got some $$ to last us the month. it's just disheartening to see it go so quickly, when cag works so hard all month. we did get all our bills paid, even some medical ones we weren't sure when we were going to pay. so that's a positive.

tonight's the first session of our childbirth classes! we have less than eight weeks before gwendolyn is due, so this is just in time. my friend tina is going to be my support person tonight since cag has rehearsal. she's very brave to do this! a roomful of pregnant couples doing breathing exercises and goddess knows what else. but she's game, and for that i will always respect her. *grin* we are also meeting a prospective doula this coming weekend, and hopefully she'll work out, b/c we're running out of time. i instantly liked her on the phone, so we'll see. i'm getting nervous about the impending due date and having everything ready. we're going to see tori amos in saint louis the day before gwen's supposed to show up! if that doesn't get her going, nothing will. i do hope she arrives sometime close to her due date, though i know most babies don't. i just don't think i'd be able to hold onto my sanity if she were two weeks late. but she'll come when she's ready to be here.

cag's show opens thursday night. he had his first dress rehearsal last night. he's so worn out! but i think he's doing really well, and that the show is going to be wonderful. i'm going with some friends of ours thursday night and definitely when his parents come, and again when the rmta'ers who are coming to see him are here. i'm so proud of him. he has worked his ass off on this. and he's really very good. *beam*

2001-08-26T23:49:00.000-07:00

"you were always half crazy now look at you baby you make about as much sense as a nursery rhyme" --ani difranco

just listened to little plastic castle for the first time in ages, yay! i love rediscovering music. i definitely need more ani in my diet.

christopher and i went and helped out with set construction for the musical he's in today. we painted. it was really fun. i was all apprehensive about going b/c i didn't know anyone and have been very self-conscious lately, but i'm really glad i went. i felt very capable and like *me* instead of just a baby-oven. *laugh* i've been in something of a funk the past week or so and being at the theatre today seems to have helped a lot. christopher was right, there are a lot of normals in the company! everyone was really nice, though. i felt so deliciously exotic with my piercings and tattoos and not-found-in-nature hair. hee.

yesterday we went out to dinner, and when we got back, our across-the-hall neighbor was getting in his car. he kinda gawked at me, then started making beavis-like laughing sounds, and remarked "you're getting pretty pregnant, aren't you". blech. i wanted to kick him in the teeth. i just said "yeah, i am" and started beavis-ing too, imitating him. i don't know if he got it or not, but i didn't really want to take him to task about how rude he was right then and there. christopher told me not to let it bother me and said he thinks i look beautiful, and yes, very pregnant, but that it's not a bad thing. i know all that. but still.

this is the neighbor who we think is a drug runner, btw. he's in and out of his apartment pretty much all day and night for ten or fifteen minute stints, getting in his car, driving away, coming back. he looks vaguely drunk all the time. he peers out of his blinds whenever we come home and walk across the lawn. he's had ppl up in his apartment that wouldn't come down into the foyer we share when i was in it. and he has taken to parking his fucking car on the *lawn* when he's running inside during one of his little jaunts. isn't that classy. i mean, the fucking driveway is right next to the house. there is copious street parking. but no, he must use the lawn.

add this to the fact that he has tried to sell christopher his cds twice, asked christopher to loan him ten bucks once, and offered to sell him his "platinum" watch last week, and we are very uncomfortable. i mean, ick. we don't even know him. he actually came into our kitchen the night he asked cag for money. we had the front door open b/c we were trying to catch a cross-breeze and cool off the house, and he just came right in. ick ick ick. he told cag "not to be scared of him" when cag declined buying the watch. cag was like "i'm not afraid of you, i just don't want to buy anything from you. so stop trying." cag finally called our rental agency about him but they really can't do anything except tell him not to park on the lawn. but they did say to keep them posted, especially if we have more complaints. i think he is a big luser.

talked to my grandmother and my mom on the phone tonight. both conversations were really good, made me feel connected to them and loved. i need to remember to call them both more often. i'm getting better about my mom... sometimes i'd go a month, but now it's more like a couple weeks at maximum. and she can't call me b/c she doesn't have long distance right now. it helps that we're on good terms right now. i have much less motivation to call her when she's being an irrational bitch. she told me she got a bunch of clothes for gwendolyn, she's mailing them this week. i can't wait to see, and i was really touched.

our friend deanna had a slumber party for her birthday last night. whee! we watched evil dead II and ate junk food and polished our toenails and tried on sexy lingerie and shoes that another friend brought, donated from cross-dressing clients. she gave us this really slutty satiny black minidress that laces up the front and back, which we are going to send to kelly. it's obscene, *giggle*. there was also a pair of white spike heels with attached laces that criss-cross up the calves, like my best friend had in junior high. i got them on but couldn't stand up very well. this same friend works for a sissymaid pay website that personally answers emails, and they need another email-answerer, so i let her know i was interested. she makes about $1000 a month tax-free on it, which i prolly wouldn't make, but hey. extra income. and it's easy stuff like fashion and etiquette advice. i think it would be fun, and i could do it right here at home. nifty!

2001-08-22T19:11:00.000-07:00

i'm thirty-one weeks pregnant now. nine more to go! i have gained a total of thirty-six pounds, give or take scale accuracy. this is starting to bother me, but my doctor said today that it seems to be healthy weight and i should just watch it but not do anything stupid like diet. i mean, i do look fatter, not just in the belly, but i look good. it's just alarming to be a good twenty-two pounds heavier than i have ever been in my entire life.

gwendolyn is doing fine. she apparently was sleeping while i had my exam today... her heartrate was a low 120. we talked about our birth plan and my doctor was cool with pretty much everything we had written down. my uterus is way up into my ribcage! i find that to be simply amazing... this little organ that once curled quietly over my bladder is now taking up most of the room in my torso. dude. i have a person inside me.

i'm getting more and more uncomfortable as my pregnancy progresses. i can't find a good sleeping position, i can't take a full, deep breath, my skin continues to freak out occasionally (including a really flaky nose and little red marks on my face!), i'm dizzy, i'm tired. boo. i know it's totally worth it, but still. i do want this to be done with so i can have my body to myself again and meet my beautiful daughter.

we went to milwaukee a couple weeks ago! had a really good time going to our favourite restaurants and seeing family and friends. my mom, stepmom and dad hosted a shower for us and i got to see pretty much all the relatives i actually like, *grin*. and we got really nice gifts, including a breastfeeding kit, a baby tub, lots of clothes, a diaper bag, toys, etc. we stayed with my friend ann, who we had not seen in two years and was a marvelous hostess. we had lunch with our beloved paul right before he moved to texas to be with his new man. paul got the first feel of gwendolyn kicking!

we got our tax rebate. we bought a carseat with it, along with some piercing jewelry for cag and some more maternity clothes for me, and went out to eat. i think all we really need for gwendolyn's arrival now is a sling, some more clothes, a diaper service and her bed (which cag's parents are sending us a gift certificate for).

we signed up for childbirth classes. they start september fourth.

cag is in a musical! he auditioned for the community theatre production of "annie" and got cast as drake the butler. *happydance* he has speaking and singing parts. i'm so proud of him. he's at rehearsal pretty much every night and is very tired and busy, but he's really happy. his parents are coming to see a performance! he's been singing songs from the musical for weeks now.

our friends lara and kevin came to see us last weekend. they live in arkansas and we hadn't seen them for about five months. they were vastly amused by my belly. we took them to a birthday party for a friend of ours that ended up being taken over by an alarming number of coeds that no one, including the birthday girl, knew, so we evacuated. we had our other friends deanna and nate over and spent quite some time just hanging out and talking, which was a lot more fun than navigating a very crowded apartment full of strangers. we also took lara and kevin to target and turned them loose, as they don't have one where they live and it's their favorite store. and had really good mexican food. and got trapped in the super wal-mart for half an hour when we tried to pick up booze for the party and some roses for the birthday girl. express lane, my ass! damn frat boys needing price checks on every single case of beer they bought. *laugh* i also got to have some awesome girltalk with lara after kevin had gone to bed and cag was playing diablo II. we laid in bed and just free-associated.

i'm feeling kind of conflicted about my friendship with lara and kevin as a unit. i absolutely love and adore lara. always have. and i do love kevin. but i know that we would probably not be friends if it weren't for his involvement with lara. i mean this on both sides. i am far too sex-positive, feminist, kinky, and pagan/vegetarian for his tastes and he is far too repressed, conservative and sedentary for me. i guess it says a lot that we are able to overlook all that and be close, really. but when he was here i was really bothered by some of his behaviour. he went on the prowl for glimpses of girls' (and i say girls', not womens', b/c that's what he was looking for) underwear as seen over the waistband of their pants/jeans. he counted each sighting. he ogled. he pointed. he all but drooled. this and so little attention to lara that i do not recall seeing him show any sign of affection or attraction to her all weekend. this made me sad and kind of offended. i mean, i'm all for voyeurism. i'm all for checking ppl out. but this brand of it seems kind of slimy and non-consensual. and obsessed. i don't think he'd even be interested if he saw a glimpse of lara's hot undies over her waistband. :( the other thing that bothered me was when we were discussing rape. he said that his definition of it is when the girl says no, begins to struggle, and the guy continues anyway. i was like "what if she doesn't struggle?" and "what do you mean by struggling? does she have to knee him in the groin? bite him? what?". i asked him about it and he said that if a girl said no to him he'd personally be a gentleman and stop, but the real point of rape is when she struggles. um, okay.

i don't think there is anything i can or should do about this. it's just personal differences. cag told me he kind of gently poked kevin about the whole underwear thing while he was here... he got in the way of kevin's view and remarked that he was "predictable". this is made more complicated by the fact that lara has expressed interest in being with me (and cag, i think) sexually again (we used to have experiences together when we lived in milwaukee), but i do not feel comfortable involving kevin. *sigh* not much to do except let it be, and express problems i have with kevin when they arise. i mean, he's a very good guy. and i can tell he's made progress.

hand cramping up! too much time online! must take break!

2001-07-26T00:17:00.000-07:00

bloggity blog blog blog...

i am entirely amused by the way my body is changing and growing to accomodate gwendolyn. i put my purple patchwork cotton skirt on today and looked at myself sideways in the mirror and actually thought "now that is a sexy mama". woo! i have this nice rounded tummy that's rising higher and higher towards my breasts. i feel very fertile. and my skin is sooooo much better now that i've been using my new prescription eczema stuff. i'm all silky soft. aw yeah.

having kelly here was wonderful. we mostly hung out around the house since it was ninety-five degrees in the shade outside, and it had been ages since we spent any time with her alone. we talked and talked and had amazing sex (hurrah for pregnant body worship!) and ate good food. she made waffles for us and we made dinner and had our friends deanna and nate over. we did make it downtown for a little while to look for sandals for kelly, but found none that were suitable to her specifications. we had such a good time we're driving to iowa city to see her again this weekend. yay!

i just subscribed to misc.kids.pregnancy, read about a zillion posts today and really like the atmosphere. it's friendly and accessible. i like the community aspect of it, and that it's not full of flamewars. i think i might post tommorrow.

well how do you like that. icq appears to have simply frozen up on me. *boggle* it's never done that before. and right in the middle of talking to karen. what a bunch of crap. i don't have her regular email addy either.

i talked to my mom last sunday night, and she informed me that her marriage to her third husband, which has been very difficult for the past year, is officially over. i feel so bad for her. she doesn't need to be dealing with this at such a point in her life. i mean, she's almost fifty, she should have a stable and caring relationship if she wants to have one at all. :( i really didn't know what to say to her except i love her and i empathize. she vented a little and i promised to send her a copy of ani difranco's dilate album. i think she's planning some kind of surprise for when we are there in a week... she told me it was none of my business when i asked about the shower plans. she's really excited about having a granddaughter, and i am glad that i can give her that happiness. she deserves so much more.

2001-07-17T21:00:00.000-07:00

kelly kelly kelly is coming this friday.

*dancing madly about the room*

t'will be entirely too grand to see kelly. i love her. she makes me happy. :^D we were planning on taking her to ozark avalon to go swimming and picnicing, but it's supposed to be just disgustingly hot (over 90 degrees), so we're trying to figure out what to do instead. not a whole lot going on in columbia in the dead of summer. pfeh. we'll figure something out. i know we're making dinner for her and going out dancing afterwards.

found a bunch of the rmta crowd on icq and have been chatting away with them. much fun to be had.

i went to my prenatal water aerobics class today and had a great time doing snapkicks and jumping jacks in the pool. *grin* there's another prenatal fitness class that my doc told me about at another center which i am interested in going to. it includes stretching and relaxation and breathing techniques for labour. so i might supplement the water stuff with some land stuff.

we got a notice in the mail from the irs saying that we were going to get $600 as a tax break due to the Bush administration something or other today! we were all excited until christopher went back to work and found out that roughly half a million ppl mistakenly got the notices. so now we don't know if we are getting a cheque or not, or if it'll be for $600 or not. what a bunch of crap. i mean, "oops, we didn't mean to do that" is fine, just not with half a million ppl and that much money. pfeh. but i guess we'll see if we get anything. it would certainly be nice. stupid government. stupid irs. *grumble*

the new skin stuff seems to be working. i am very glad of this. *crossing fingers*

off to watch designing women. woohoo!

2001-07-13T00:39:00.000-07:00

i'm icq-ing with the marvelous karen right now. i miss her so much. :( we so do not see each other often enough.

my prenatal went grandly. everything seems to be fine wrt the wee gwendolyn. she is apparently growing more up than out, meaning towards my lungs than into my belly, but this is okay unless she keeps doing it exclusively. and it means that while my belly isn't as big as average, my uterus is taller than usual. interesting, to me, at least. leave it to a kid of mine to do it the hard way. her heartbeat was 132 a minute. *grin* it's still so cool to listen to it. i got some new stuff for my skin, which is continuing to freak out and be all itchy and rashy. hopefully this will work.

finished with the kitchen, mostly. christopher still has to finish the trim but he promised he would tommorrow night. it's so purty. i made more curtains for gwen's room today and played around with the ones in our room... ours are made of purple crushed velvet and panels of white swag netting. gwen's are blue fabric with yellow moons and stars.

we went and toured the ob department of the hospital we're having gwen at last night. it's pretty cool, not birthing center cool, but cool for a hospital. they've got sleepchairs in all the rooms so dads or whoever can rest (and stay the night), and the baby recovers right in the room with mom after delivery. then about an hour or so afterwards both mom and baby go down a floor to the women's health center where they have 24 hour rooming-in and rather nice, biggish private rooms. security is tight and the nurses all seemed awesome. i saw rocking chairs, too. :) i think we'll be fine there. especially with our nifty doctor.

i slept like over twelve hours last night. i was so tired. there was a thunderstorm around five am and it was really nice. cozy and restful. it was maybe seventy degrees here today at noon, which was pure heaven compared to the nineties we've been getting. i got to air out the house and do some outside stuff.

have been really into making contact with friends and family lately. i miss everyone and want all members of my support network around me. why can't everyone just rush on over here? oh yeah, they have lives. ;) but i've been calling my mom once a week voluntarily (!!) and just sent a bunch of snail mail out for no reason other than b/c I can. I called my grandmother this week just to say hi. and i've had icq on every time i go online. just feeling social, i guess.

christopher and i were downtown today and saw what's going to be a new venue for concerts and local punk/metal/alternative scene stuff, when it gets opened by the bar across the street. we're thinking it would be a great place for the shows, as the bar we were doing them at closed. our dj knows the owner, so he's in negotiation with him. i think we'd get a better crowd, and it is a nicer venue as well. i'd like to do an august show, ideally.

got email from a milwaukee friend that i had totally lost touch with (not the one from my previous entry), ann. she wants to catch up and stuff. i'm all for it... she kinda faded out of existence a while back, and it's good to hear from her. we're going to stay with her when we go visit in august. she's such a sweetie. we met in college like five years ago, and she offered me her kool-aid. *laugh*

2001-07-07T15:03:00.000-07:00

it's fucking hot out. *grumble* thank the goddess for central air conditioning. *making grape popsicle offerings*

i've spent most of this week painting the kitchen. we got two colours, "carriage light" and "popcorn", the latter being a lighter shade of the former. they're in the lemony yellow family, methinks. the walls are now carriage light and the cabinets are working on being popcorn. this is much improved over dirty apartment-white walls and dark crap-ass wooden cabinets! christopher's panties are all in a twitch b/c i asked him to help me paint the trim around the cabinet faces. you'd think i just asked him to scrub the floor with a toothbrush held in his mouth. *sigh* sometimes i don't know about these bois.

we went out to ozark avalon for the fourth, to celebrate "interdependence day". oa is a pagan land sanctuary in the boonies about half an hour from here, and though we've heard of it we've never gone there. t'was wonder-full! there's acres of beautiful land and big huge old trees, and an old farmhouse they've made into a retreat center. we went nekkid swimming and outdoor showering and met some awesome ppl. everyone was very welcoming and friendly, in the most genuine way. there were kids all over the place, too, and that was fun. nothing like a nekkid baby running across the lawn to make you smile! we want to get involved out there and do more events. they have workweekends every now and then, and if you volunteer ten hours you get in free to a weekend retreat.

i finally had to buy maternity pants. :^o but the thing is, i like them. i feel all sexy and fertile in them. they don't cut my tummy in half, and they're not loose anywhere except in that place, so they're really flattering. i think it's the pairing of maternity pants with those weird long shirts that i don't like. plus, being obviously pregnant is fun. i also got a new swimsuit for water aerobics and feel like a goddess in it. *grin* i'm over halfway now, past the five month mark, i keep telling myself. i can't wait to meet gwen.

kelly is coming to visit us in a couple weeks. *happybounce*

i have a prenatal on the 11th.

we're going to milwaukee in early august. my mom is having a shower for us. which is good b/c we need one. babies need stuff!
i want to look up a friend from high school when i'm there. she got married at 19 and had two sons, and just kinda disappeared after that.
we were best friends in middle school and i think about her all the time still, wonder what she's up to, that sort of thing.

2001-06-26T00:43:00.000-07:00

i'm not tired, but my ass is.

there must be something about pregnancy that makes one's ass fall asleep whenever one sits down for more than half an hour. and one's left foot. i've taken to standing around a lot. which isn't much more comfortable.

a very cool thing: gwen's kicks and turns are getting stronger and more noticeable. she has taken to kicking me rhythmically just after i settle down in bed at night. :)

went to the library and got a bunch of interior design books today, and celine dion's autobiography. hey, it's summer, time for fluff.

made oatmeal raisin cookies, b/c cag has been asking and asking for them. they are heavenly. i ate almost a dozen tonight.

working on taking my pro-dom portion of my website live, but earthlink is giving me shit. i know it's not me, b/c i've checked everything a million times. sometimes the page shows up, sometimes it doesn't. tonight the links were there but didn't work. oy.

we watched "the portrait of a lady" tonight. much melodrama. lots of lovely clothing. again john malkovich plays a bad man who makes a good woman love him.

i'm getting really into playing psychobabble online. it's like refridgerator magnet poetry, except live and competing with other ppl. it's at www.popcap.com. it kicks ass and is a sublime way to waste time or conquer insomnia. speaking of refridgerators, i cleaned mine today. nesting instinct come early, i guess.

2001-06-23T18:09:00.000-07:00

"does she speak eloquently? and would she have your baby? i'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother"-- alanis morrisette

christopher and i went to see tomb raider today, and who would happen to be sitting in the theatre but rob? and with his girlfriend rachel.
i thought i was going to pass out. i got all shaky and wanted to cry. christopher asked me what i wanted to do, and initially i wanted to leave. but instead i went and sat in the row directly in front of them, a little to the left. heh. i'm really proud of myself for doing that. i mean, maybe it was kinda shitty of me, but i didn't want him spared the knowledge that i was there. so we sat and i calmed down and we actually enjoyed the movie. rob and i made eye contact when i got up to go to the bathroom. he looked very uncomfortable. mortified.

"i'm not gonna fade as soon as you close your eyes, and you know it"

they high-tailed it out of the theatre as soon as the credits started. we soon followed, and were just behind them when rob pulled out into the parking lot. christopher just couldn't stand it anymore... he flipped rob off, with a big grin on his face. i admonished him, but don't blame him. he's been so angry about all this. he considered rob kin, and that's a big deal for him. now rob is oath-breaker to him. and still he hasn't done a thing to harm rob. so the finger was warranted, i think. we felt kinda perversely good about the whole thing. rob is just paranoid enough to think that we somehow went to the same showing of tomb raider to torture him.

"and every time i scratch my nails down someone else's back i hope you feel it"

i'm writing this instead of calling rob and leaving a clever message on his voice mail, like "hi there. it was so nice to see you this afternoon! i only regret we didn't get a chance to chat. you guys were in such a hurry to leave, christopher had to resort to sign language." *giggle* i love blogging. such a fine outlet. christopher's friend christy said something about rob that i find eerily accurate; "those who are not true to themselves will someday have to face that truth regardless". or something like that. i wouldn't be surprised if we run into him more and more often, now that he apparently feels "safe" enough to venture out into public. bring it on, baby. :^P

anyhoo, our fetish show was last night. i think it went well... the (slightly smallish) audience seemed appreciative, even though we screwed up a few times. that's the deal with live entertainment, i guess! we had fun doing it, though i actually had the most fun playing with friends after the scripted portion of the evening. we had a big table full of free safer sex products and information, and our tawdry wares. a friend of mine bought one of the fetish dolls i made! i ended up scrapping the plastic wrap skirt idea once i saw how very pregnant i looked in it... i'm really pretty celebratory about my belly-with-baby-inside, but apparently it was not meant for plastic wrap. *laugh* i wore my long velvet skirt with a wrap waist cincher instead. we didn't lose any money on this show, actually came out slightly ahead. but we found out the bar we perform in is closing; the owner wants to try and sell it. i had brief fantasies about buying it and making it into something really great, but that ended when i realized how much work it would involve. and money. this bar is a dive dive dive. it stinks and the water pumps don't work, so since it's below street level it floods when it rains. we're able to disguise it well enough when we do shows, but to own it would require serious resources. alas.

i started reading the sandman chronicles this week. a game of you was my first one, and i absolutely adored it. preludes and nocturnes was a hard read, since it's so macabre, but it's macabre in such a way that i'm fascinated with, and couldn't help falling into. i can't believe it's taken me this long to get into them!

i think i have a crush on morpheus. ;)

2001-06-18T23:23:00.000-07:00

hoookay, how long's it been since i updated? *peering at "last published" date* :^o February?? erm.
*runs away and hides in shame*
*comes back*
let me give the super-condensed version of what's happened since.

rob and i got handfasted.
we went to lexington kentucky with my friend karen for our honeymoon.
i quit the mall job.
we did a fetish show in april. went very very well.
i did a bunch of pro-dom work.
everyday stuff.
rob had a big huge freak-out and left me.
rob vacillated for a while.
rob became even more freaked-out.
rob signed papers relinquishing all paternal rights to our child.
mike from canada came to visit us.
christopher and i went to visit michael and kelly in iowa city.
april moved to kansas city.
we found out we're having a girlbaby.

so. yeah. :/
we're really psyched about the girl thang. i feel more able to handle raising a girl than a boy at this point, so does christopher. the ultrasound was so nifty. we got pictures and i made little announcement cards and sent them to ppl. *grin* i'm getting bigger and bigger. one of my larger skirts with elastic sides but a button front no longer fits. i've grown outta my jeans. no maternity clothes yet, woo!

the transition from rob here to not here has made us very broke. we're a one-income instead of two-income household now. but we're doing okay... still have the bills paid and food in the kitchen. just not much else. *sigh* i'm used to this, the financial hardship. i mean, my mom was a single parent from the time i was ten onwards, and things were very difficult sometimes, but she always made it. so will we. at least christopher and i have each other. we've been taking lots of walks and renting movies and reading to each other and stuff. we are not our money. we are not our economic bracket.

i've started volunteering at the peace nook again (nonprofit alternative type place) and like that. i'm also taking prenatal water aerobics, which rocks. we get to swim with funoodles! :^D i'm staying inside a lot since it's very very warm out lately and it makes me all icky. my snapdragons and tomato and pepper plants like it, though.

we've got a fetish show this friday, dreaming in digital. all cyberspace and that. t'was christopher's brainchild, and we ran with it. i'm wearing a plastic wrap skirt. actually, plastic wrap figures in greatly. isn't that environmentally inconsiderate of us? hee.

tired now. going to get in bed and read about julia butterfly hill, the woman who lived in a tree for two years to save it. crazy lady, but very inspiring.

2001-02-26T15:58:00.000-08:00

goddess, i have a lot of catching up to do. first and most exciting:

I'M PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!

*big huge silly happy grin*

we found out last week wednesday, when i took a test b/c i was three days late. i've got "morning" (ha!) sickness and breast tenderness and fatigue already, which is actually kinda neat, since it's proof something's going on inside me. i completely freaked out in the bathroom at work, where i took the test, and started crying and grinning and shaking. i called april, my friend who works at another store in the mall, and she came down to celebrate with me. then i tracked down rob and had him come out so i could tell him. he was so happy. we did a lot of hugging in the middle of the store. i was the only one there that night so i had to stay, but rob went and got dinner for us. :)

we told christopher that night after we all got home. he actually reacted a lot better than i thought he would... we were pretty sure he was going to cry a lot. he had always wanted kids, but he doesn't produce sperm, and so we were going to go the route of a donor in order for he and i to have them. rob and i weren't trying to get pregnant, but we had been having issues with the condom slipping off, and so i think we all knew it was only a matter of time. christopher was very happy, and got all sillyfaced. i got in his lap and we hugged for a while, and started talking about everything we need to do. like move to a bigger place and figure out insurance stuff and decide who to have deliver the baby. it's very overwhelming, but we are all three so looking forward to meeting this new person. the timing couldn't be more true if we had tried. the baby is due sometime in late october or early november, which is just perfect. an autumn baby. a scorpio! :^o

i keep talking to my tummy. i'm trying really hard to eat better too, since i've been doing a pretty bad job of that lately. lots of protein. i cannot believe the amount of protein i'm supposed to be eating, nor the amount of fluids i need to drink. but protein does really well for my nausea, and i feel better when i've drunk a lot of water. we went grocery shopping last night and got all sorts of good-for-me food. we already saw a nurse practitioner the day after i took my test, and i'm reading a couple of pregnancy books. now i need to call the obstetrics department of the hospital and find out about their nurse-midwives. they don't have a birthing center but at least they have NM's.

everyone's been really positive in their reactions about our news. lara's mom had the best reaction, tho... she smiled so big i thought her face would break, and she just giggled and beamed and glowed. *grin* she made me feel really good. everyone else we've told knows the nature of our relationship, and even though she didn't she was still just so happy. we didn't hide it, just said we were pregnant and left it up to her to figure it out. she's a very openminded chick.

my mother, on the other hand, may not respond so well. i haven't told her yet, and don't intend to talk to either of my parents about my pregnancy until i'm another month or so along. mom and i aren't speaking right now, and while i think she would be happy that i was having a baby, she would most certainly not be happy about the how. she hasn't gotten over the whole poly thing yet, and i don't think she's going to. which is too bad, b/c afaic, i'm happy and healthy and not hurting anyone, and i'd think that would be cause for satisfaction from most moms. but she's not very happy with her life right now, and thus no one else should be either.

dad, on the other hand, is just uncomfortable with our relationship. he was very condemning of it in the past, but he's come around, mostly due to the influence of his wife. she's been very supportive and interested. they both met rob over the holidays and were pretty nice to him. i think there's potential there.

visiting lara and kevin was really awesome. it had been waaaaaay too long since we saw them last. they've got a really cute townhouse that's totally them on the inside, and they were wonderful hosts. lara made pancakes on saturday morning while it was raining and we went out adventuring after the rain stopped. the rain actually followed us all the way down from columbia, which sucked terribly... it was hard, scary rain and i got really carsick. but it let up and we did the progressive shopping area of fayetteville. we visited a beautiful art gallery and a used bookstore that i found betty dodson's _sex for one_ in, and this heavenly place called bath junkie where i got a custom-made batch of body scrub. grapefruit and ambrosia, mmmm. we also went out to dinner, where cag got a sampler of the restaurant's home-brewed beers, and met their very cool friend sarah. there was a mardi gras parade too, and we got lots of beads! lara, sarah and christopher went out to a gay nightclub afterwards and rob and i stayed home and watched practical magic. it was so good to be around lara in particular again, i had missed her so badly. she had such a good energy about her. we must see them again sooner than later. arkansas is a really pretty state, if you're not driving through it on a rainy night. ;)

my pregnant tummy is hungry again. time for dinner.

2001-02-21T00:07:00.000-08:00

pfeh. my day sucked. i worked way too hard for a key associate at afterthoughts who's getting about five-fifty an hour after taxes. i actually like the job a lot... i get to pierce ears (*sick grin*) and be around a lot of pretty shiny sparkly things. and since i quit as assistant manager and am now part-time, most of the stress is gone. but dude, the new assistant manager is amazing. she doesn't do a fucking thing, but somehow looks busy all the time. i got there at two-thirty and she had been there since ten, but nothing had been done. seriously nothing. she had opened the boxes of new shipment and looked at everything. didn't put anything away. the store was a mess. our big sale had just ended but she didn't put the stock back. but of course when i came in she had a list of stuff i had done wrong last night.

*big pouty whiny screwed-up-brows face*

so of course i went into overdrive and did everything myself. and by seven pm i was exhausted. but once i get going my o.c.d. doesn't want to let me stop, so i rode that momementum and got it all finished. i was all sweaty and grubby from cleaning. i was so tired and cranky. rob brought me home and made me hot chocolate and christopher rubbed my feet, and after that i couldn't be in a bad place anymore. :) we watched buffy and angel, which rob taped for me, and i ate spaghetti. i'm so blessed. if that's the end of a bad day, i may have to have bad days more often.

my cockring and leash set came today from jt's stockroom. that was cool.

we're going to arkansas this weekend to see friends, lara and kevin, that we haven't visited in nearly a year. and we've never even been to their house since they moved from wisconsin almost two years ago. :^o i'm looking forward to it. we still have their yule gifts to give them. we had a belated yule with them last year too, so maybe it's a new tradition. not a bad one at all, actually. i don't think i've been to arkansas, so hurrah for a change of scenery.

i'm trying to convince myself not to wake up rob to molest him when i go to bed. bad koren!

maybe i'll take a bath first. i'm reading dean koontz's _false memory_ and it's creepy. a character committed suicide in the bathtub as i was sitting in the tub reading that passage. eep! koontz is way too descriptive for my taste... lots of "her hair was like ____" and "it was as if she were____". but he's still good.

2001-02-18T22:24:00.000-08:00

the show was a smashing success! *exuberant bounce* it was awesome! we saw over 100 guests come through our doors. we made enough for me to pay my staff, although we forgot that we put $40 in the money box in change and got ourselves ripped off that way. but it's okay! we had so much fun. the scenes went off with no problems and enthusiastic response from the crowd, and we had lots of willing participants for the interactive portions of the evening. there was a friend of delbert's who tried everything once and just adored it all... he had lovely scars on his arms and i spanked the heck outta him, and did needleplay on him, and cag flogged him. we also had a guest who was interested in dominant services. woo!

stuff that we had to deal with at the last minute: no bar service. cy, the dude who owns hollywood rebels, hadn't booked anyone. We brought in the coliseum and they were wonderful. marci's van broke down on the way to get the tables we rented. but our fabulous friend kenneth went to get them with his truck. the twinkle lights that we used to string up over the stage for a starry night effect were half burnt out, but amira showed up with extras. i worked from three pm until nine to get things ready and then went home to eat only to return at ten and stay until three am. a labour of love to be certain. we had ppl dancing until two am, well past bartime. i had to just sit down and enjoy the energy at a few points, and revel in the fact that i and mine put that shindig on.

the tam lin scene was phenomenal. i cried during it, i was so in character. the audience was just enraptured. ooh, and we had fire-eaters and vendors and a tarot reader and goddess knows what else going on. complete exquisite chaos. and so many beautiful freaks. our friends deanna and nate from our bdsm organization came all dressed up and played. they are always gorgeous and were doubly so friday night.

we lost our dungeon and performance space this weekend, though. the piercing and tattoo studio that is renting there has decided to move, as the rent is too high. :^o i am so upset and disappointed. i had put *so* much work into that dungeon. i'm a dominant with no professional space now. this isn't too terrible... i have all my gear and can do appointment based work, but damn it sucks. we moved our stuff out today. boo. i was all sad about it tonight. especially when all that stuff was all over my living room and it was really overwhelming. floggers! leather! boxes of rubber gloves and needles and alcohol swabs! fabric and lamps! augh! and my perfume atomizer is missing b/c one of the tattoo artists took it to draw it and can't find it now. ??? in that way i am glad we moved out, b/c they were very disrespectful of the fact that this was my professional space and not their personal clubhouse. there was always a mess up there... food left out, smears on the table, etc. so the next place will be all mine and that won't happen.

i got to talk to karen thursday! she's coming up for rob's and my handfasting march 9th. i can't wait to see her! it's been since august. my twin is coming to visit! we're going to lexington for our honeymoon so we're taking her home with us and are going to hang out there with her. rob's handfasting shirt came today and it's really lovely. we ordered it from the black rose in britain and it's wine-coloured with laces up the forearms. yum.

i had so much sex this weekend. *grin* rob and i were bouncy three times yesterday and cag and i got it on today. i am one satisfied cat.

2001-02-13T14:55:00.000-08:00

still sick. i felt absolutely flu-tacular earlier today when i got up, but advil and sudafed do wonders. i was able to take a shower, so i don't feel quite as grungy as i did before. christopher is home sick today, resting and watching teevee. rob came home sick, but his manager told him he'd get fired if he didn't get a doctor's excuse, so he went to urgent care. turns out the pain in his back is from being dehydrated. dork. i've been trying to get fluids into him for three days. he just doesn't want to drink anything non-caffeinated. at least he'll pay more attention to the doctor than to me, so it's good that he went. he's been weird about work lately... i can't imagine risking losing my job over a backache, but then i'm better at knowing what's going on with my body and how to fix it.

karen is working on changing the colours of my blogsite. whee! we thought i hadn't set it up correctly, but i did. :)

i have so much stuff to do before the show friday. i still have to make a shirt that can be ripped off me during the tam lin scene, and get after-valentine's day stuff for our merchandise table, and practice, and practice, and practice... and make sure amira prints business cards, and rob's crafts are done, and pick out clothes, and start transforming the space. *deep breath* it will all be fine. a bunch of st louis people are coming up for the event and that's making me nervous. i want them to have a good time.

christopher went to the credit union today to get money orders for our bills, and the teller said he didn't have enough in our account to cover them all. !!!??? I just put a $1500 cheque in our savings account! and christopher just got paid! we've been buying tons of stuff for the dungeon and the show, but there was no way we had spent so much that $700 in bills couldn't be covered. i totally freaked out and started crying, mostly b/c i was sick, but christopher sat down at the computer and did our cheque registry. it turns out that we have money in our savings account that for some reason they won't let us touch. we don't know why, since we have no minimum balance on that account. so he's going to the credit union tommorrow to find out what's going on. i was so upset. we were doing really well, had come into a bit of cash, had everything under control. i hate money. it has so much power. i don't even feel happy when we have a bunch of it. i feel like i should hoard it or something rather than spend it, which is what money is for. *sigh* money is a necessary evil. the only thing i can do is try not to let it control me too much. i am more than my chequeing balance.

hurrah! someone just knocked on my door and it was a ups guy with my new harness from stormy leather! woo! it's purple and black (of course).

i have a new submissive. his name is mike and he lives in canada, so it's a long distance thing as i live in missouri. he's a very wholehearted submissive, giving not only his body but his mind and soul. and it empowers him so much. he's very chivalrous and decorous, which is exactly what i like. and so eager to please. hopefully his head will not get too big reading this. ;)

i think i will try to eat something other than toast now. my tummy is rumbling.

2001-02-11T18:42:00.000-08:00

okay, i've got my first blog and i'm all excited. thank you to the marvelous karen who sent me to blogger.com!

i suppose i should start with some general information about moi-self so that those who read this have an idea of who they're reading about. i'm twenty-five, female, and live in columbia missouri with my two husbands and my two cats. i've got red hair and hazel eyes. i'm really pale. i'm queer and polyamorous and goth and pagan and feminist. i am obsessed with the colour violet, faeries, chocolate, velvet, blood and sharp things. i am a professional dominant with a brand-new dungeon, and the founder of fyrefae productions, which is a fetish production company. we do shows, workshops and private dominant sessions, along with videos and merchandise. fyrefae is my baby. ;)

i'm sick. boo. i thought i might get through the winter with only one major sickness, but alas i was mistaken. at least i'm not as sick as my rob is... poor boi has a temperature and keeps throwing up and everything. i think the entire planet has the flu right now, so we're not alone. *sending commiseration to the masses en large* i just want to stop coughing so that my abdominal muscles will stop hurting.

fyrefae has a performance this friday, and i'm worried b/c we've only had one rehearsal with every member there. i'm sure it'll be beautiful and sextacular, but i'm still nervous. we've got this huge four song scene that amira choreographed and we're still shaky on it. oooh, but i ordered like $100 of weird stuff from OTC for it and that should come tommorrow, along with my stormy leather harness and some stuff from good vibrations. if anything we'll have lots of pretty things to look at. *laugh*

i think it's time to go get on the futon with rob and watch stupid tv. i'm tired out. *yawn* and cold. *shiver* i need my pjs.